It’s been a year. I AM FREE (sort of), lol

I left the last day of January 2014.

SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED in the past year! No time to write!

 

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Suddenly I feel like I am falling apart.

lonely swing wallpapers to your cell phone - alone branch girl - 110057236   Zedge
This is my screensaver on my phone^^
In a swing in a dark, scary, cold place.
Not swinging, can’t get out, all alone and contemplating.

I have been utterly EXHAUSTED. Barely drag my arse into the kitchen to make dinner. IT’S BAD. I have no idea what is wrong, but something is. – Adrenal fatigue is a huge suspect.
I know I’ve also been on the verge of tears a lot. Very rare. I feel like I’m having a breakdown. I’m fighting it because I don’t know what to do about it/can’t do anything about it. I was trying really hard to not cry at dinner… And nothing brought it on I’m conflicted and confused.
It’s not like me at all to be real emotional like this. BUT NO WONDER I AM.

I just lost 2 friends in a car accident.
I have had a child die – He was 18.
I am in a SHIT relationship

Yesterday I was informed that He (I will refer to him as “E”) was caught intimately texting a woman (I will refer to her as “J”)  BY HER HUSBAND (I will refer to him as “D”) who wants to KILL HIM now. I knew that he was texting other women, but to have angry people pulling me into it and ENDANGERING ME by HIS fucked up actions is just too much.

I have been a hostage for over a year and a half now AND I WANT OUT. I have no way out and he KNOWS IT.

Medical, vision, dental and basic needs have been withheld.
Sex has been withheld for MONTHS- SO long that I got used to it, only for him to become the grope-y, all hands man a few days ago- and it corresponds perfectly with him getting caught by the aforementioned. I am no longer attracted to him, I do NOT want sex- ALL I WANT IS OUT!!!

I cannot say anything or he will fly into a fit of RAGE. I did calmly tel him D contacted me and OF COURSE he shifted things and I got lies, denial and that I am seeing it all wrong (gas-lighting). I JUST WANT OUT. I am NOT seeing it wrong. THIS I KNOW.

I wrote this to my dear sisters:
11/08/13-
ALL OF A SUDDEN E is all over me. ALL HANDSY and shit. (3 days now)
WHAT THE FUCK?
MONTHS of NOTHING and now I am fighting him off. It was better before after I got used to nothing! I HATE THIS!!!!!
I AM NOT ATTRACTED AND I DO NOT WANNA BUMP NASTIES!!!

Then:
11/09/13-
News!! Got a FB message this morning from E’s ex wife’s husband. She is one of the ones he was chatting with and trying to get to meet him.
He found out that there has been the ongoing thing there 3 days ago, and that is precisely when E started the affection bullshit.
I talked to him and to her both – They were very apologetic to me. I told them I blame HIM most and I am not mad at her at all. I am numb and I want out.
They SAID they want to help me with a little money. I explained that it is more than just a bus ticket, sadly, & have a lot I need to tackle first. Add to that E NEEDS TO PAY, not THEM.
They don’t have much themselves and I am aware of that. BUT I made 2 new friends in a really weird way and I know when the time comes I can ask THEM to help get a crew together to load up! 
They were both shocked to find out that I have known all this time!!
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What would I do if I did not have sisters who care about me? I shudder to think!
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So, I guess E thought I would equate the sudden “affection” to “love” and be happy- HE KNEW that I was going to be hearing about him and J texting- He did not know I knew at the time. It just made me SICK. I did not want him. I DO NOT WANT HIM, but I FELT LIKE I HAD TO ACT LIKE I DID. If not, it would have rocked the boat and I can’t stand the conflict. I JUST WANT OUT!!!!

Then he can find someone else to treat like shit and yell at.